My Uncle Em
by Ghislaine Cullen
Summary: Renesmee and her uncle Emmett go to the movie store! Yay! Not.
1. My Uncle Em

**Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING.**

**Well, I own _some_ stuff, like a computer, but yeah.**

* * *

**Renesmee's POV**

Ah, the quaint, family-owned Rent-a-Movie store.

No, as a matter of fact, I do not imagine that they are overly creative with names.

Especially because I knew that their daughter's name was Sarah and their son's name was John. And Mrs. Smith (No kidding, that really _is_ their last name. John's going to have _such _a hard time with that.) was pregnant with a new baby, who they were planning on naming either Sally or Bob.

Poor, poor Sally/Bob.

"Hi, Nessie!" Sarah greeted me as I crossed the threshold. She was a sophomore in high school, one year above me. Of course, in this tiny town, she knew exactly who I was.

And, unfortunately, who I'd be coming with.

"Hi," I winced back. "I brought one of The Family."

"Oh." I could tell she was trying to be nonchalant about it, but it was obvious that she was a little piqued from the way her glance had started to shift around without actually meeting mine again.

I sucked a breath in sharply. "Yeah."

It wasn't exactly easy being the only halfways-normal person in a family of vampires. And one werewolf. People automatically avoided them, just like they were automatically drawn to me.

Frankly, it was kind of embarrassing.

And Emmett didn't help.

"Hey, there!" Speak - well, think, I suppose - of the devil and the devil shall come. The vampire in question sauntered up to the counter of the Rent-a-Movie store. Having heard my... well, irked-ness at who was joining me on the movie excursion, he was probably going to make this a living hell for me. Oh, well. He probably would have done that anyways.

"Oh... hi, Mister... Cullen," Sarah Smith stammered. Oh, gosh, that's got to be hard to say. Sarah Smith stammered.

I was tempted to try saying it aloud, but resisted. This was going to be embarrassing enough without me mumbling incoherently in the corner.

"So, Sarah, how long have you been working in this fine - " Emmett rolled his eyes in that incredibly annoying way, which he knows I hate. - "establishment?"

"Um... since... birth?" Emmett's annoyingness aside, I knew that, by most girls my age , he was considered "hot." So Sarah was completely flustered right then.

"Birth!! Holy Fricks Almighty!! That is a _long_ time! How old are you, Sarah?" Oh, God, oh God, oh God. Why, why, why? WHY DID WE NEED TO RENT A MOVIE TONIGHT?!?!?!?!? AND WHY DID EMMETT NEED TO COME ALONG?!?!?!?!?!?!?

"Um... sixteen?"

"Sarah, don't they have child labor laws about... recently birthed people? And how they can't work in movie stores?" Oh God, ohGodohGod. WHY WAS I CURSED WITH SUCH AN IDIOT UNCLE!!!! JUST LET ME GET STRUCK BY LIGHTENING!!! PLEASE!!! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!! I'M _BEGGING_ YOU!!!!!

"Al_right_, now, Unc- I mean, Em. Let's go look at some movies, now!" I tugged on his arm, but he didn't move.

"Um... well, my parents kind of own the place, so... yeah." Sarah continued to answer his question, despite my efforts to drag Uncle Em away from the embarassing conversation that was unfolding.

"Oh, really, Sarah? And how long have they owned this beautiful restaurant, Sarah?"

I clasped my hands around his elbow and leaned towards the direction of the movie shelves.

"Um... well... it's a... movie store." Oh, God, she looked so weirded out right then. Earth, open up and eat me. EAT ME, I TELL YOU!!!!!

I leaned harder.

"OH!!!!! A MOOOVIE STORE!!!!!!!" Uncle Emmett boomed.

I leaned so hard that my entire body weight was pulling on my uncle's elbow with the force of... something forceful.

"Let's go pick out a movie, now!" I snarled through gritted teeth.

"Isn't that _funny,_ Nessie?" He turned to face me. "I accidentally called this mooovie store - a restaurant!" He made an extravagant gesture of his strength by flourishing his free hand.

I so hate him right now.

"No, it's not funny. Let's go." I tugged on his elbow.

He turned back to Sarah.

"So hurtful," he said, shaking his head and looking at her with soulful eyes.

Sarah had just managed to breath out a faint "Yeah," before I jerked him towards the aisle that was as far away from the front counter as humanly possible.

Once we were out of earshot, I whirled around abruptly, almost hitting the rows of DVDs that filled the surrounding shelves to bursting.

"_Why did you have to do that?!?" _I hissed.

"Because, young grasshopper, it was damn funny and you know it!" He was grinning broadly as he said this. I clenched my fists spasmodically in front of my face.

"I'm gonna strangle you!" I threatened. The funny thing is, I wasn't even kidding.

"Oooh, strangling." Uncle Em walked a little ways down the aisle, plucking up random movies at will. "D'YA HEAR THAT, SARAH? SHE'S GONNA STRANGLE ME!"

My eyes widened in disbelief and I let out a pleading noise that sounded like "Deeya-uh!"

Which, of course, caused him to laugh.

Which, in turn, caused the very foundation of the Rent-a-Movie to shake.

"Why, God, why?" I mumbled to myself as Uncle Em set off down another aisle.

Yeah, he laughed again.

* * *

"I got me some _movies, _Sarah_!_" Uncle Em practically yelled at her as he approached the counter.

At least I'm pretty sure he approached the counter. I couldn't tell, because I was covering my face in shame.

"Um... yeah. OK. I'll just... check those out for you!" Good job, Sarah, you finally formed a complete, coherent sentence!

Oh, that was mean. But yet so darn true.

It took her a while to ring up all the movies, and during that time, Uncle Em just stood there patiently.

Hah! I wish!

While most of the Rent-a-Movie movie rental store is filled with - you guessed it - movies, a small space located by the check-out contains two racks of disgusting candy crap.

Like gummy stuff in the shape of hot dogs and cookies with Zac Efron's face plastered on them. Walking _by_ the stuff practically makes me gag.

"Hey, Sarah, do you know how much this sugary confection costs?" I looked spread my fingers apart in order to see what in the- what Uncle Em was doing, only to wince back reflexively. He was holding a sucker in the shape of a toilet. Yes, a toilet. I'm not even kidding.

Why, why, whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

WHY?

"Uh... it's on the, um, tag." Sarah pointed to the label with her purple fingernail.

"Oooh, pretty purple fingers!" He wiggled his eyebrows at the feature.

"Um... thank you?" Sarah Smith seemed uncertain.

I just _barely_ managed not to say that one out loud.

"WOAH! Holy crap, fifty whole cents! I will _not _pay these outrageous prices!!" He threw the sucker back to its place on the rack like it was contaminated with a fatal disease.

"Oooh, look at that!" The next thing he picked up was a four-foot-long, bright red licorice rope.

This time, at least, he looked on the tag instead of asking her.

"Okay, bucky-fifty." He fished his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans. "And the grand total is?"

"Forty-two twenty-five."

"God, Emmett, how many movies can you _buy?!?"_

"A lot young grasshopper, trust me, a lot." As he said this, he deftly handed over the money and took the bulging plastic bag from Sarah's outstretched hand in one movement.

"Have a nice day!" Sarah blurted just as the door was closing. I sighed in relief.

I will never live this down.

And neither will my Uncle Em.

* * *

**Better?**


	2. SUPERCHAPTER! might change rating now

As we walked across the parking lot, Emmett clutching the swollen plastic bag, a thought suddenly occured to me.

"Uncle Em, what are you going to use that giant licorice rope for?"

He just smiled.

"EW! EW, ewewewew!!!" I pressed my palms against my eyelids in a doomed attempt to press out the image that had just scarred me for life. "Oh, GOD, ew!"

"Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer," Uncle Em murmurmed quietly as I continued with my exclamations of disgust.

I pulled the door open, reluctant to be in the same vehicle with him, and stepped in.

Just wait until I showed Dad _this._


End file.
